it me!................ nichole. (sheepish smile)

so..
i've been here. trying to suppress my OCD. seriously! hahaha. i usually get it under control, but then i f i get stressed at all, or even just start giving in to old patterns, i have to check myself.
for example, i bought this steam cleaner. and i got the ingenious idea to sanitize my counters and kitchen table! i have 6 of the cloths for it now. so i labelled them, you know, bathroom, entrance floor, kitchen floors.
but the problem is, on the day i steam, the counters make me feel......... relaxed. content. by the next day, i can still touch the counters, but, i always pause first. by day 3? forget it! i wipe them, well how many times a day does a person have to wipe kitchen counters. 10? at least! but i still can't touch them. so out comes the steamer.
sigh............................. it's work, mental work that feels physical, to know that steaming the counters doesn't actually make things....... smooth.  it wouldn't be so bad if it was just the counters.  but i tend to get that way about everything. my floors, organizing.... just everything. and watch out if there is only one utensil in the sink, or a cup! (shudder)
i'm not sure if what i just said makes sense. i feel like everything will just be ok if i can keep everything 'just right'. and it ends up consuming me.   so in recent years, ever since i found Justin lining up his dry cheerios just so, when he was 18 months, before he could eat them. it was so cute. you know, in a crazy kind of way.

what brought this up?

well. the other day i was making coffee. i have a tea drawer. and in it is all my boxes lines up, splenda packets, stirring sticks, yadayada. i didn't even realize i have a system. 
plug in kettle
take out cup (one of 2)
open drawer, get coffee pack (starbucks VIA packs, heehee)
close drawer
pour in cup
take packaging to garbage
open drawer, get splenda pack
close drawer
pour in cup
take packaging to garbage

you get it...

and justin was lying on the kitchen floor watching me, and he says;
mama.... do you ever get that feeling, ...... like you need to stretch or something, when something isn't right?
so i asked him to give me an example
well, just now, you didn't close the drawer after you took your coffee out and my jaw felt like it was too tight.

sigh......... my poor poor baby. well, at least i know now it's genetic right?!

thank God for self awareness.

ok. so photos. been awile huh? i think the problem is, i take photos all the time. for me. or to document. but they just don't seem 'worthy' of uploading......  (big sigh)
but

.............sigh...........

sleeping in my bed.

early morning.

corey was in whistler.

i couldn't help myself. just look at that mouth of his!

soooooooooo cute!

he's holding his winnie the pooh. it reminds me he still my baby.

this.

you have no idea how i felt when i came into the kitchen to witness this!

what a struggle it's been this year to build up this girls confidence in herself. she wouldn't read but because she didn't think she could.

why?

a self absorbed, careless grade one teacher

a sweet looking 6 year old female bully

this is EVERY saturday morning.

they get up, take their blankets and pillows, get EVERY SINGLE toy they own, i swear, and sit together in a circle and play.... for hours!

it just dawned on me that i might want to document it! duh!

      ok. off to............... nope! NOT GONNA CLEAN! i think i'll take the kids for a long walk. and just ...
                                                                           breathe.