pebble in my path….
life for me right now is overwhelming…. which makes me a little mad… mostly at myself…. i’m not a wimp. I AM NOT A WIMP. i’m, like, in control… ALL the time…and i’m wondering if that’s what’s going on….but then, you know, i was all in a mood a couple months ago, why? well. the EXACT opposite. i felt like i could live my life with my eyes closed… i felt like the tazmanian devil… spinning like a hurricane through life… then when i would stop and try to relate to the people in my life… i felt like no one understood…. like i was talking and they were looking at me and all they heard was….. bluggablublablabam……… it was soo frustrating….. so i quit. just stopped. pulled out.
so here i am, in mid life crisis mode… that’s what i’m calling it. cause i am at a loss. don’t know what else to call it. and i’m depressed. not sad, crying all the time depressed, but in this bubble of indifference……
i get up in the morning, and think….ugh. go into the bathroom, look at the shower, and think uuuugh. and then…. i have to feed my kids breakfast which means the start of a ‘day in the life of’ is beginning, and i just want to go back to bed…. which in turn makes me angry, cause i don’t want to go to bed!!!
i am looking for meaning… which is so stupid and selfish, and did i say stupid?? i have so much… a good life. filled with meaning… and purpose. so maybe i need to rediscover the meaning, or the why….
it all happened at the tail end of april. i got home from mexico and realized i did not want to be here… in my life. i wanted something more challenging…. i wanted to feel a rush. i wanted to feel…. i didn’t even care what i felt. i would have welcomed tears or anger…. just wanted to feel.
no! it happened before that. a good 2 years ago… i went through a major, devastating, life changing trauma… and since then i have been reacting…. and i think i buried myself under my reactions… under the me i pulled out to cope… and now. i am trying to dig under and find her again…. the old me… the one who used to get excited over the little things. the me who used to be so easily moved to laughter…….. the me who used to love willingly and wholeheartedly…. the one who jumped in… no matter what… not measuring every move i made…….
so now. i am here. walking down the path that is my life. and i looked down…. and there is this little pebble. in my minds eye, it’s nothing special. it’s a small, slightly irregularly shaped pebble. i could bend over and pick it up, but that would require too much effort. i could kick it…again, too much effort… i could just step over it!!!! but it has become disabling…. the choice of what to do about this pebble….. my indecision…. i have come to a stand still. and i realize, if anyone looked down the path and saw me, standing still, nothing visible in my way, struggling… confusion would rain. and that, my friends, makes me feel all the more helpless.
so. what am i going to do?
i have been thinking, september is coming. i will have no choice but to join my life again, but i don’t want to just fall back in line. i want to be excited. i want to jump in. i want to anticipate boxing and belly dancing with my former passion….. i want to throw a halloween party to rival the one i had last year… i want to reconnect with my friends again….. i want to want to scrap again……sigh….. i want to be who i used to be…. how to do that. how to recapture my passions….
so. i am going to take on projects. projects designed to bring out my…… passions. joy. even just satisfaction… something i can look at that’s out of the ‘norm’. and be proud of…. i am going to create that wall. i want to do expressions. mainly because i feel like a mask, with no expression lately… i am going to capture: laughter, mischief, embarrassment, a simple smile, an ‘i love you’ face, pride… and it won’t be easy… which i look forward to. and then i am going to print and mount them… i am going to paint. my family room first… so i can create my wall. and i will get to take photos… which i love. and guess what? i am starting to look forward to it….
so this was my take on our first topic….
and hey…. thanks for reading this… my heart on virtual paper.
5 comments:
buy a bicycle, yo.
Wow...I'm speechless! Thank you for being so open and honest! I can so relate to the getting up and having to do breakfast and realizing it's just another day in the life. I've struggled with that a lot lately as well. My initial thought...for what it's worth...don't rush through this. Take the time to understand what your heart is trying to tell you. And maybe, don't look back but consider that you are being stretched or grown is some way and maybe, you can embrace the best of your old self with whatever it is you are to learn through this. The feeling of being stuck is rotten. Maybe, you were zooming through life too fast and you needed to slow down but now you need to find some sort of common ground, rather than living at either extreme. Again, these are just my initial thoughts. I'll be praying for you, Nichole!
great, it sounds like you're taking that first step. we all get in slumps, but i found once you sink yourself into something you love, it makes you feel better. look at me, i'm scrapping again. i haven't scrapped in well over a year. i did one page and now i can't stop. it makes me happy, for the moment. although i will probably burn myself out, that's the way i work, i overwhelm myself and then i burn out and then i'm on to something else. it used to make me angry that i couldn't just stick to one thing. then i thought, "why do i have to?" it's my life afterall, i can do whatever i want. i just have to get up and do it. once you accomplish one thing, you feel empowered to do something else. that's what's been happening to me. good luck, i look forward to seeing the wall of expressions. paint the wall....now! you'll feel so good!
Oh, I so know this feeling. I feel like I'm just coming out of it. Phew. Still have the hard days though. I miss our talks. We had so much fun! I don't even think I can *receive* calls from Canada on my cell phone... I still have to pay an arm and a leg... even if you call. Ack. I'll have to call and work something out! Or maybe we can chat on FB soon! I MISS YOU!
wow ... thank you for writing this. THIS IS ME! Are our lives parallel? Totally! You go girl!
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