canNOT live without it…?
so after long and hard thought... i have 2. and they are somewhat connected... i need an emotional connection in my life.. and i need hope. it is essential to my... well being? sense of self... my day to day. i flounder without either one of those things....
an emotional connection: i need to be seen. for who and what i am.. sometimes, just to feel connected to someone else.. other times for validation... so my worst fears about myself aren't confirmed... i am not an emotional person... i feel deeply... one of my strengths is empathy... but… as for everyday emotions..? i just don't feel them the way other people do... i am very rarely moved to tears.. and the one thing that does bring me to tears? well, that would be truth... seeing it, hearing it... you know when your child does something so.... raw...
we were driving the other day, and justin was looking thoughtful...and... embarrassed. it was really cute. so i was sitting there, absorbing the emotions chasing themselves across his face and body.. HE really feels. he feels with everything in him... and he asks me... " mama? do you know how much i love to feel special? is that why you always tell me about the things about me that are special? the things that make me different from everyone else? "
it was soo sooooo adorable, and vulnerable, trusting... and... honest... i had to gulp back both laughter and tears when i answered him...
now, emotional connection for me... well. huh. so, i'm married. have been for 14.5 years now... i love him... i look at him sometimes, and i know i can spend the rest of my life beside him... we are best friends... we share a love for our children... but the emotional connection i am talking about? i don't really share that with him... yes i know. GASP! how can she write that?? hahaha. cause it's true. and i am nothing if not truthful...
it's more of a .... knowledge... a bond. knowing i can share anything with someone. and no matter what it is... acceptance is.... inevitable..
no judgement.. instead, the result..? closeness. i know there are things i can never tell corey... he is incapable of 'seeing'.. or understanding... and that doesn't make him, 'wrong' for me... it makes him who he is.. and i accept our relationship with and for it's limitations....
those people, those 'soul connections', they come and go in your life.. and in those times when i have felt that lack in my life... i lose my connection with a deep part of myself....
hope. sigh.... hope... i have spent 2 years running away from myself... why? in fear... fear that the hope i once had will be missing if i take a close look. lack of hope inspires a terror in me SO deep...
hope for what? it doesn't matter. it's just that feeling, that knowledge of hope itself... if you've ever lived without it... you'd understand... there was a time when i was little... i remember clearly that feeling... hopelessness... then i met this girl... her name was stacey... we bonded immediately...
we were just better together... it's funny, cause i remember, we didn't speak much.. but we held hands everywhere we went... somehow we both knew the other shared in our secret pain.. and it was just that much more bearable... i loved her... so much that it still overwhelms me to remember her... and when her family moved away... our connection remained with me... i get so attached... i watch my isabella... she is the same... she gets attached. she doesn't need the day to day connection to remain close to someone. once they are in her heart, there is this acceptance that they are there to stay.... i am much the same way...
and so there it is… my 2 essentials…
they’re late, hahaha, but i have a good excuse! i had no computer for close to 6 weeks!!
here’s to hoping we can start that blogging inspiration back up again… work out a few kinks… and vwala!
TFL…!!!
3 comments:
Don't even know what to say! I love how you write...profound and inspiring! Glad you were finally able to post!
so don't think i'm a perve or i'm trying to change you or fuck your marriage or anything.
but you should really read the book "open" by jenny block. i specifically recommend it because she explains that we need different people for different things. this is why we have girl friends who we confide our vagina problems in and that guy at work we lightly flirt with and it goes nowhere, but feels good. or that one super smart friend who meets us on an intellectual level, and in some situations, we're talking about sex. the book isn't entirely about sex, but in her situation her husband and her are perfect soul mates, love each other to death, best friends and all that, but they're not sexually attracted to each other. well more like, he has a low sex drive and she has an extremely high one.
not everyone can be your everything. not that i'm saying you should open up your marriage or that your problem is sexual, but i am saying that you might need to understand that everyone has a different place in your life, and even your husband may not fulfill every single need you have--like the emotional connection--and that's okay.
hell, look at david, willie and i.
you need to write. and write a lot. you're good at it. i have three friends that i've known for 35 years and i can share anything with them. they have accepted me and all my faults a looooong time ago and i know that will never change. it's a nice feeling to have that in your life, and it's completely different than a marital relationship.
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