anyone out there??

hahaha... could be asking the same about me..
i find when life is good and somewhat superficial... i am a good blogger... when i am up and not disappointing anyone... i am a good blogger..
so obviously... life has taken a turn for me for a long time now...

so much has happened... is it easier to journal knowing people are reading? no...
does it sometimes feel pointless when they aren't ... yes.

quite the conundrum....

it's been a year for me... since i have felt anywhere near myself... and longer since i have found joy in photography or scrapbooking...
so, i am a little unsure of what i am feeling right now… but, if i had to name it? acceptance.

in april, i realized something was just off. i mean, i’ve gone through phases before, we all have. but i just couldn’t seem to kick this one… the indifference, the complete and total lack of caring about anything… i've even stopped disliking making lunches and the mundane task of cleaning…
and the insomnia…. sigh. that’s been the worst. i finally drift off around 1am, only to fall into nightmares so intense, i wake up gasping… or with tears streaming down my face… they’re more like night terrors… only i’m conscious of them… and always at 3 am… 2:56, 3:17…. i thought, i’d better start documenting it… so back at the end of june i started a sleep journal… finally went to the doc in september…

clinical depression. sigh….

i have a hormonal imbalance… which causes the exact sleep pattern i have. and one of the only ways to balance oneself out?? sleep. it’s almost funny isn’t it?? ironic…. so she gave me sleeping pills… with a stern word of caution… they are addictive, even the so called ‘non-addictive’ ones. and of course, if i get addicted, then i won’t be able to sleep without them…. sigh sigh sigh!!!!

so, over the last 6 months or so, i have found myself chasing adrenaline… my fear being, if i give in… will i get stuck? will indifference become a routine a pattern that i can’t live without? will i even recognize normalcy when it comes back? or will it cause me panic? realistically, can a person sustain limbo, a levitation of the mind, so to speak. is it a balancing act… conscious… if not, what happens if it all comes falling down… or worse, what happens if a person becomes familiar with or reliant on suspension….? these are the questions chasing themselves through my mind these days…

for someone who is most comfortable when they are in control… or at least have a handle or grasp on things… it has been very uncomfortable to say the least.

i refused to take medication... it takes longer, but i felt it was better for all concerned if i was not medicated, but tried to regulate my hormones nautrally through sleep, and excercise... and routine... it's starting to pass. i can feel it... it's like breathing in that first breath of spring after a long winter... you know the day i'm talking about... you just finally give into winter, knowing you really can't do anything about it... forget spring is coming... and just start living your days... then one day, you are on your way to pick the kids up from school, or getting out of your vehicle to go into your favorite coffee house, and it hits you... that smell!!! wonderful... promising ...

that is my favorite day of the year...

its coming.... i can feel it....

there is sunshine outside my window today, and i am going to enjoy it... take my camera and watch the children build a snow man... it's the simple things isn't it?

hope you are all enjoying some sunshine or promise today....