Jan 21, and my Christmas tree is still up ...

so many things going on... i am finally legally separated. its not what people think it will be. it's not a relief or a celebration. there is a moment. a moment where you feel like the ties binding your wrists have loosened a little. you have a moment of hope, hope you'll be free. then reality blows through like a whisper. it's not over. not even close. it doesn't come as a shock, because you were expecting that. and you realize it's ok. you know. this isn't your first experience with time. time, the conquering hero ... so you settle in, and begin accepting.  you start to plan. it does not define your life... only you can do that. and my life as a whole, is really good. i have what matters...  it feels productive, its a hope all its own. your dreams may be put on hold, but they haven't disappeared.

so you look around. i can clean, i can paint. i can go to the gym. enjoy my family. make memories while i'm putting things into perspective... into their place. finding balance.  i can enjoy the man i am in love with. he brings me laughter and heals me.

so, you start your day, fresh, productive. making phone calls. no one can see that you are shaking so hard on the inside as you finally take responsibility for your life, for the first time ever really, at the age of 35...

then, your mother has a small stroke one day, that strikes fear into a place so deep inside of you... just when you convince yourself it was an anomaly, a chance happening, you wake up the next morning to another phone call. it's happening again nichole, what do i do, i'm scared....   and that tentative strength starts to crumble. your X makes an appearance in your life, via email, or phone. and the anger and hatred you are trying so valiantly not to let win peeks through. then you have to make a judgment call that will disappoint the most important people in your life. and its the final straw for your oldest. the one closest to your heart. you hold him, allow him his feelings and his questions... and then you break his heart as gently as you can... and hold onto him, while his body shakes and jerks with his tears, his arms wrapped so tightly around you, so he isn't alone as he is forever changed. and as you hold him, you wonder what this will mean for his future. how it will affect him as a teen, as an adult. you have some guilt, cause you knew when you chose this path, it would hurt them. you've seen how much they've changed in the last year... but you choose to trust yourself. you trust in the love you have for them because it's so absolute. has never waivered. you must steer them in the right direction... this gives you pause, because in this moment, you are terrified. 

then you read your oldest child's school project, he's only 11... and his goal is to stop his "bad habits', habits brought on by fear and stress, by his world being shifted under him. he asks his sister what her goal is... she wants to not be so behind in school, made to feel less and dumb, which confuses her, because she knows how smart she always was. she has always been told she is the sunshine in the room... she has lost her confidence, what once made her shine... and your youngest, 7 years old... so independent. his goal is to stop wetting his bed.  you can't even explain the deep ache inside of you, it's crippling... but you take a deep breath and let it out. because you know it was right. in the end, before the end, it will be better for them. you chose this path. and you believe in this path. so you will shield and protect them, and give then the strength and skills to survive. and you hope that their goals for next year will be what they once were: to be able to morph into any animal, even imaginary ones,  to have 6 ponies one of them a unicorn,  and to be a zombie when he grows up.

i smile through my tears. i remember them. even though they are lost right now, those 3 children, i remember them! 

you are strong enough. you know you are. you have to be, so you will be. but you want, for a moment, to be wrapped in arms so strong, arms that just by their warmth alone, confirm to you that you are all that is strength and beauty. you are enough. you are not alone.

i don't want to find the old me... that woman, the one everyone admired and thought had it all together. she was just running and coping. she wasn't happy or fulfilled. she had no direction. she had no meaning in her life. she was unhappy and scared, and felt worthless. i will find, create, nurture a new, balanced me. i'll let her develop on her own. with time. and love. and i'll learn to trust her.